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I love Halloween, it always gives me a strange feeling like someone out of my dreams will step out of the shadows. Every year I feel that way. Nonetheless I am excited.

I'm fine albeit a little more damaged than before. what happened you ask? my past found me basically. late one night I heard my name being called from the street, having recognized the voice I quickly went outside locking her safely in the house. there M was standing there with her dark red hair swirling around her. fuck. I knew why she had come, the last time it was unpleasant. this time wasn't pleasant either, except this time I limped away bruised with no broken bones. I was really in no condition to fight to be honest and a couple times I forgot was fighting because I was busy smelling her. she smelled of incense and cinnamon, it was almost intoxicating. I passed out a couple times but M was nice enough to bring me back with what I thought was water. it was drugged water and pretty soon I was fighting like I had been drinking. she had the upper hand and used it expertly in her advantage. I blacked out, but when I came to somehow M had died and her stupid goons were shouting at me while slapping me awake. once awake I !uttered something but I don't remember what and they took off running with M in their arms. I've been healing since sorta lost. don't get me wrong its one less threat I have to worry about right now coming after her. I'm doing my best to protect her. it will probably be the death of me.



I have been picking up extra shifts lately trying to numb everything, every thought, every memory. I woke up this morning with my eyes black, which is bad news no matter how you look at it. the last time it happed I went on destructive binge. I'm lost. I'm losing this battle...



Blutengel save our souls

r.I.p. m. next time remember that a lot has changed since the last time you kidnapped me and tried to hurt me the way you did. you won't be missed. as for your goons and lackeys, stay away from me. this is your only warning from me. I don't want to have to come out of retirement I left that life a long time ago.



I still don't know who or what else I managed to catch the attention of. but for right now I am going to have to heal up some. I forgot how tiresome fighting m can be. it's not as fun as it used to be. so much has changed.



I must admit she got into my head some forcing me to deal with the emotional conflicts I kept burying. I'm still reeling at the pain. it didn't help my depression, and she tried to "accidentally" overdose me. I survived but I now I'm facing the reality that I don't belong to anyone, anything, any circle. there's nothing. I'm nothing to no one. I'm the lost and forgotten. so after everything settled back to dust, I wept. not from the pain of the fight but the pain from my mind and heart.



I used to not mind the darkness but at this point even the darkness seems to be losing its grip on me. I thought about ending it all once again. I haven't given up on the thought like I should....

With the fall wind brings changes......



Malorm amenk foruedom chaylimiram



Sigh. I am taking a break from things right now. I'm not giving up, I just focusing on work as much as I can. I worked more on Eli but its frustrating me. I want to keep writing ît but right now I think I will think about it in the background. Right now things in my have slowed and quieted down, but it won't last as long as I need it to.

Ugh. I woke up this morning with a migraine, the kind that makes you wish for a hangover so at least the migraine would be worth it. I didn't dream just darkness filled with sounds that I quickly forgot when I woke up.



Still no appetite, but eating all the same. I've grown to dislike food ( except chocolate and peanut butter) everything tastes like shit. Everything smells horrible and my stomach is in constant knots of nauseous.



There has been a ton of fighting here more than before. Looks like bastard#2 is running out of my patience and his usefulness. I should have listened to my jaded mother, there is no perfect man just carbon copies of pigs. Love is your personalized hell. Joke is now on me I suppose. Stupid me I keep fighting for my place in my caged hell.



I'm so lonely. I'm so tired of talking to my journal. I crave conversations. I want something more. I want depth. I know nothing in this life is never going to get handed to me. Life has it made up to make sure I'm constantly struggling against the odds. But I don't have any way of finding the right path for me here. Right now my focus is her because I am all she has for stability. But damn it I long for something to sweep me off my feet and take my breath away.

How am I doing? To me that sounds like a loaded question. I could give my fake answer with a painted smile, everything is great. People don't really care what's behind the smile as long as its a short message that doesn't need any sort of depth. Truth is, I'm not doing great. I haven't been in many many many years. I recently tried the new friendship thing but sadly it only disappointed me. It used to excite me when someone said they missed me then I fall into the trap of waiting for conversation only to be resulting in silence.



I feel like I am once again I'm going back in the isolation abyss. At this rate, I'm not sure how to be friends with anyone anymore. Sure, I could give the gallant effort of wasting my time with small talk, but small talk makes every sort emotion I have seem hollow.



I had a very wicked nightmare a few nights ago. But I wasn't the only one who shared the dream. An acquaintance of mine asked me about it. I just laughed and told her no more vampire movies before bed. Truth about it all it was nice to know someone else saw the man from my dreams especially since I never told her anything about this. But I don't feel as good as I should. Maybe she will stay alive if I don't say anything about it.



Everything smells. It's like my nose became unclogged. Everything smells so bad. I find myself sniffing everyone and everything. It's a new sensation even if it does gross me out. Each stench is different. Even after showering layering with deodorant and sprays I even smell bad. I don't like the sense of smell anymore. I've been chewing crazy strong minted gum like crazy to dull everything out.



I have has to break down and wear sunglasses for almost a week straight, every light seems to be etching their beams onto my brain from my eyes. So painful.



I started thinking about Mr. N and Mr. X again wondering if they missed me. I know it was just the loneliest of the night talking but in a weak moment I thought about talking to both. When I finally grabbed an hour of sleep at dawn I remembered what a silly notion that was.



I feel a real disconnect with some of my family members. I know I shouldn't given the circumstances. I guess that makes the monster inside of me human, more or less. Everybody else's rock yet no one is around for me.



I went looking for that other site. The entire site is gone. Removed. It sorta irked me, I spent a week just reading the main page to see if I wanted to join. Now its gone. Some might say that's fate, I don't know maybe its a cruel joke. I remember miss Bb yelling at me that god giant exist we are the ants under the magnifying glass. I laughed because her anger at the time fascinated me. Now maybe she is right?



I am doing my best to eat but I've lost my appetite. I know I've gained a little bit of weight but at this I have no one to impress so I don't really care. Yep, I guess that about sums everything up , I'm not sure I care about things I should now. Fuck it right? Let me destructive side take over. May as well





The song for the week is destroyer.

He stood gazing upon her beauty etching it into his memory as her breath wavered in excitement. Time ticked slowly but neither of them minded. Suddenly he lost control and wrapped his arms around her. Drawing her near enough to feel the beating of her heart. Passion in her eyes drove him wild as he kissed like there was no tomorrow.



" It's almost dawn my love, you have to leave. My love for you will end up destroying you." She said sighing heavily and for a brief moment he saw tears in her bright blue eyes.



He wanted to argue, he wanted to say how much he loved her, but all he could manage was a sad nod.



It was such a perfect moment even if fate would never let them see each other again. He could feel her quiet angry sobs that tore at his heart , as badly as he wanted to go back he knew he couldn't even look back

I've decided to stay on this site. I haven't looked at the other site. I don't know, I'm a little scared of finding out answers. I know I've been whining about answers for a while now. I guess I'm just worried if I do find what I'm looking for then what?



A couple of dreams I remember, nothing of any importance to be honest. Just some stuff I know im suppressing. It's just easier to deal with in my dreams.



I've been working as much as possible trying to make ends meet. Who knew have having nothing would cost everything I have.



I gave myself a couple days off from researching and studying. There's no point in frying my circuits.



My heart is still racing funny and I'm still clueless as to why. I may just give up on it for right now. There are just some things I may never know

Apparently" my body can't handle stress" blah blah blah. It's such bullshit. I'm tired of it all. I hate hospitals. I hate the nurses and doctors who don't give a damn about anything. One of them tried to give me a drug I'm allergic to. Really? What a dumbass. I reported her to a supervisor and got a free magnet for my fridge. Whoopdeefuckingdo.



I finally started to write more about Eli my elusive story but its been slow progress. I've been sleeping less and working more. That almost dizzy seeing triple feeling isn't just when I wake up its been at just random times now. I don't have an appetite I'm still so thirsty. The nurse tried to tell me it was thyroid problem but then she tested me and shut up when it came back normal.

I got another welt from the sun but luckily just a small one. I hate the did I mention?



A couple of nightmares that I remember but none others that I remember. There is nothing really new with me. But I'm emptying out my skull before I try again to sleep.

I think I understand now. I did a loooooot of research tonight. All of it makes sense now. So I guess my next question is, do I join the other site to find more people I can relate to that isn't just living a "lifestyle"? Or do I stay on this site knowing I will never know for real? I have loved this site for so long but maybe its time to take a hiatus. ..... Maybe its time for more of a change than just my hairstyle. Should I take the leap? Am I strong enough to see the other side of this door? Will I be able to face the truth?

What in the hell? Does that have any sort of validity? Should I research it? My heart is still racing. Holy fuck.

I was looking through all my flash drives this morning because I was looking for something particular. I came upon one I guess I forget about. Everytime I told someone I loved them I saved it to this drive. I dated each entry and explained why I felt that way about any one.Then I saved their rejection letters. Sadly there where only five entries. Mr. N my first love but he didn't seem to feel the same way and eventually I saw him kiss another chick after blowing me off for lunch one day. His excuses were lame and pitiful. The next entry was for Mr. B. Mr. B was a friend mine that was sort of mysterious and in some ways exciting. I told him I was homeless and that I loved him. He let me stay one night used me in every way he could think of the threw me out of his apartment bruised bleeding in places I never want to think of again with no place ago. I hated him for so long and I never spoke to him ever again although he tried. Then there was Mrs. B. How I fell into that mess I'm not really sure. We were both dating Mr. Dm.but she kept him in the dark. When she brought me in the light she tried to hurt me but in much clever ways. At first I didn't figure it out all the way so in foolishness I told her I told her I loved her. Which she probably laughed at. In the end I had to betray her to save my life because she relentlessly kept trying to kill me. I saved her last goodbye to me. Then there's Mr. X. I told him I loved him, which I did so much. Things fell apart when I realized he really never said the directly back to me ( none of them did) Then there was hubby #2. I saved his love letter to me. So far I haven't had time to add the rejection letter but I know its coming. The letter I saved seems fake even back then I thought so.



I'm basically nothing to no one .(Hence tonights song. Most of my kismets are songs but if you look up the lyrics they are little clues I'm leaving behind.)All my life my love has never been returned. No wonder I am so angry. Lol enough therapy for now. I'm done with going through any old shit for now. Fuck it, the memories are too painful to be digging up.fuck it all.

Day 4 the feeling in my eyes lasted longer making me unsteady on my feet and a little disoriented. I didn't sleep well. I woke up several times during the night only to find my pet watching me sleep. Now I'm awake she is finally asleep. I had one dream that I remember. I had to go stay at home for awhile to take care of my sick family who in turn didn't want my help. Mr. X kept changing his profile. Anyway it didn't really have any significance. Just another nowhere dream.

Day 3 I woke up the same way but the feeling in my eyes didn't last too long. No real dreams I remember. Just work work work. Nothing new. Nothing old. Nothing to excite my senses. Still no appetite. Two new small welts from the sun. Been thinking of a new hairstyle.

Day2 I woke up with seeing triple in slow motion. I had to break out my stupid sunglasses, the sun was just wrecking havoc on my eyes. I don't remember if I really dreamed, as of late I just don't really care if I remember. I feel destructive. Any other emotion or feeling is on another shelf buried.

Why do I only feel alive when I'm thinking about causing someone else harm. What's the matter with me, that is what people keep whispering behind my back. The hell if I know. I've been this way since I was a child. Do you think I enjoy the outcast solitude type life? Do you think I enjoy giving into the monster inside me that seems to be taken over me? If you answered yes then you fuckers are stupid. Hence why I choose to not interact with you unless I have to. I mean I can only talk to livestock for so long before I give up and search for something more in depth .



I woke up seeing triple today. How does that work? I didn't dream I didn't feel strange, just saw triple for almost an hr. I could see my hand I like slow motion it was a new experience.



The fuckers at work are doing what they do best and trying to keep stepping on me to climb higher up on the ladder. All I want to do is set them on fire and watch as their crackled voices beg to be set free.



Hmmm I feel angry today. I want a menthol cig so bad. The next person who makes the comment on how pale I am ..... Oh I wish I could just reap carnage every where, in maybe black cargo pants and a sexy black shirt. Gotta look good for things like that lol.